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| I think life for me has gotten slightly worse every year. I can't even describe how much BS has happened, but I will skip the usual apology to Xanga & just get on with it.
The semester just finished last week, and I have one A but the other is TBD. Hopefully an A so I'll get straight A's for the semester. It's annoying not getting everything at the same time because now I feel incomplete. The finals were horrible. And not just the usual "boring" horrible. I mean mind numbing & terribly difficult. One final was a paper using no sources & 20 pages. You would think that's simple, but when it's basically rambling, and you can't REALLY ramble in a grad paper, but you need facts and blah blah blah. It took me four days to do & I hated the final product, but I already did two papers for this guy previously and they sucked too so I'm not too worried about that. The other final was an actual test, full of questions we never studied about or discussed. Even the lectures were missing information. Obviously, since it's online, it's open book but the book was useless. I think it's probably sad irony that for a library class the only tool that was helpful finding my answers was Google. But I got a 28.5/30, and an A for the class so I don't care.
I can't imagine doing any of this anymore. I'm 24 and still schooling I just want to be done with it all. I can officially say URI is just about the worst experience of my life, and has crushed any possibility of me trying to get my Lit Masters/PhD. I'm taking summer school just so I can get out of here ASAP. I can't stand all this feigned interest in Library problems. This one girl in my class, who I loathe, is talking about herself and her ONE research project and ONE conference. Keep in mind that 99.9% of these students don't participate in an academic sense, so the competition isn't exactly cutthroat. The bitch is just annoying as hell. If I could drive places I would certainly be able to do what she does & then some. Yes, even be fake around teachers and call them by their first name. Yes, I hate the students. All aimless intellectual wannabes who think their opinion matters, but don't actually accomplish anything significant but just think they do. English majors accept this it's probably part of the FAFSA loan agreement. Maybe if Library students were grounded like that I'd be less annoyed but they aren't. The white trash of Academia I label them as of writing this.
Officially laid off from my job about 2 weeks ago. The terrible job hunt continues! Luckily they gave me a severance, my vacation days and kept me on as long as they did. Honestly, I should have been let go in March, but they are at least somewhat kind about it. My supervisors and bosses all felt bad and I don't really blame them. I really don't know what took so long the job was begging to be outsourced. Another irony (not really but let's call it that!) was the job moving to North Carolina, where Chong lives & where I originally wanted to go to library school. As of now 13 jobs have been applied for, both accepting applications and have job openings, and all but No's across the board. It's hard to get a job when you have no skills to promote. Watching the HBO show GIRLS (a recent obsession) finds me relating to how idiotic the main character is. This girl is applying for jobs, but she has no "special skills," and makes some terrible/slightly funny decisions that make me feel better about life at the moment. Like trying to seduce her boss and "fulfilling his sexual fantasies." I'm not sure I'd ever think that's a good idea, so again I restate how much better it makes me feel. So I will continue spreading facts about my wpm & my ability to use most every OS as well as filling out resumes for low level jobs. A resume for Wendy's? I don't get it either.
So I thought all this was a "sign" which meant I need to move (preferably NC because Oprah likes it & school's cheaper) but then I realized that my credits wouldn't transfer and it would be slightly more because I'm from New England & the South hates us for letting homosexuals give late stage abortions to rich white women or something. I would be starting all over again and I can't afford that either emotionally or financially. Then I thought it would open doors to do more shit with people then that idea was shot down completely. Marcy, who I really don't bother with anymore, called me after being laid off because she wanted to go out for Thai food. Sadly I said yes since she was paying for everything, and it was the worst experience ever. Completely re-energized why I've been avoiding her. Then Ian's farewell thing is slowly getting shit on, since everyone's too busy. To sum it up, I won't be doing anything anymore with anyone. I've just been writing & watching TV. Even began reading again but I get so nauseous now when I do. IDK what it is, but I get really sick like I'm about to vomit. Yay for me.
So nothing good has really happened lately, at least directly to me. My parents aren't dying (well everyone's dying but I mean from a serious illness), my friends are all changing (for the better I would say...why am I using so many parentheses'?!) and my emergency fund will work for at least a year (thank you Suze Orman!) so I'm not too worried. Just discouraged by life and all that. You know, the us' (short for usual. I'm not sure how that should be typed)! Things are bound to get better, but since undergrad school ended it has not. Just one, big, terrible thing each year. If the pace keeps up, then my life will be useless by the time I turn 30. But again, I find wisdom through GIRLS, and the fact that the 20's suck tremendously. I feel like I'm not the only who feels useless and completely regressed. But when you're 24 & get turned down for being a janitor at Target, you tend to lose perspective.
Bye Buh!
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| Has it been this long? I really hate myself for not hating myself on here more often. But Grad school is extremely irritating & I'm not sure it's worth the effort of quitting & living a life away from a bunch of terrible people. Yes, it's been that bad lately.
Well I'll try to catch you up at least. My fall semester went much better. The teachers liked me, I got straight A's & I made some friends. Granted, they are hags (the good kind) but friends no less. In an online class to boot. Brenna got her own apartment all the way across town! Pointless I know, but it gives her an excuse to have me over more often. We've had long weekends of fun-ness really. Just yesterday I went with her & others to Roll-On America where I lost my shoe, almost lost tokens, lost tickets, sucked at 21st century laser tag & got a sucky prize. Despite all the shit that happened, it was probably the most excitement I've had for a while so I've been retelling it as an adventure which makes people laugh. It's pretty much how my life has been going lately anyway. Ever since school ended it's been a seemingly endless string of disappointments which I just want to avoid. But I can't because I want to have fun which is elusive.
OK, back to last semester. You may have heard xanga, that a giant snowstorm rushed through in October, knocked our power out for 3 days and ruined life further. Some good and some bad, but I'm glad that's done with. Our family is currently saving for a generator in anticipation for end days. Well, it feels like end days anyway. But the real end days comparisons should be that something ruined our router, which no one around here can fix, so I am forced to Ethernet my computer in the dinning room if I ever want to continue with school. So for the past several months I've been hunched over the dining room keeping the house awake with my chatter, which is a pretty good excuse for my absence.
Then there was holiday stuff, all of it boring and not worthy of a mention, and then New Years. I went Christina's where we drank merrily while waiting for Marcy, who came late & made the cat vomit. I think I'll just leave it at that it sounds funnier.
After that it's all been shitty. I've been making plans with people who either back out, forget, don't call, change at the last minute, don't tell me things or just make expectations too high so I can be extremely disappointed. None of my friends have stepped up to the plate in that regard. And I've actually tried despite my protests, but everytime I do they end in failure. You think that's hyperbole but it's not. Like just this past week it was my birthday, and I needed a ride to Albert Nobbs. Piece of Cake? Why No! Only 3 people responded. Then Amy never called me back & Marcy rearranged everything at the last minute. I'd rather people just not say anything than say yes & not take me. Then there are some MUN people, who continuously flaunt their friendship in my face, and then keep asking me to do stuff with them. It would be nice except they say "let's hang out" then just hang out. No call. No message. Nothing. Even when I call they don't answer.This has all happened, to some extent, about nine times now, and I'm really starting to hate people. I'd just as soon go by myself to that movie anyway. Not because I'd be mentally jerking to Glenn Close in drag, because I would anyway, but because I'd have seen it 3 weeks ago and avoided all this BS.
School has been disapointing too. I mean, it's easier to swallow but harder to control. These are my first focus course, and the rules are even more ellusive to me. My College Library class makes it a point to assign all work within 2 days of the due date. So I've been scrambling to get it all done over the weekend. Which means I'm up odd hours, not sleeping and getting grumpier. Then I have Government Publications which is taught by a guy from Brown, but he is everywhere. It's like Spero without the helpful personality. His tangents bore me, his assignments are grueling week long adventures, involving such brain busters as "Who are the two senators from your home state?" Really? I paid $10,000 for that? It is the 1st week but really, that whole assignment felt like he thought we were idiots. To be fair, I did forget that there were 3 branches of government while in my face to face class. But I was never a morning person. Especially on Saturdays.
Nothing has gone right lately, I still don't know what the hell I'm doing with school & my friends are 0% helpful (I'm really into percentages right now). It's like this new phase in my life where there's no purpose or people who share the no purpose feeling (hence my song & album choice). Worst of all there's absolutely no one to talk to. Like, my parents are good for laughs but really, I'd like to talk about something I like. Like when Marcy & I drool over David Simon's brain. Or when Ian and I discussed Clara Shumman's Oedipal complex. There's just nothing fun about talking about libraries. As much as the students make it sounds, and I'm like "why aren't I interested?" I just don't get it. Literally 80,000 articles on inter-library loans. "Who the hell needs that?" as Nana Mary from "Roseanne" would say.
But Marcy's getting tired of it all, Ian's moving back to Canada & I'm stuck with a head full of useless shit that no one understands. It's starting to become real, this loneliness that people say happens to adults. I'm stuck in this position where I have no choice but to keep my head down & do homework. There's nothing more mind-numbing and pointless as that. But that's the point, isn't it? Life may be a gift, but it's way to ironic. It takes away things you'd never thought it would, until you're left in a nice house with some money and people who know, but absolutely nothing to talk about. Hopefully things brighten up a bit, but I'm not counting on it.
Bye Buh
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| To be written after I sleep then get up... ...Several months later... Wow, just wow. I I haven't written journal style for some time. I miss it. I also can't believe NO ONE has looked at my profile here. I mean, not even spam people. Does anyone use this anymore? Or care? Either way it's here if you can find it. I enjoy having my xanga, and I enjoy publisizing my thoughts even if I spell words incorrectly like I probably just did with "publisizing." So, school. Well it's better than last semester. Not "great" or anything. There isn't much else I can do with my life so I won't bother with arguing about doing something else or whatever angsty BS usually fills this space. The fact is I'm a wuss so this grad stuff suits me better. I have a class on Management. It's pretty much my Spero class, and I keep having 'Nam style flashbacks of Marcy/Luciano confrontations and weasleing my way in to get what I wanted. I have a group right now with a couple of old ladies (they are everywhere in the library field. It's heaven) who are way too overwhelmed. I have a feeling my direct voice is being confused with anger, and they may have thrown me under a bus, but I'm OK with that. I think they're really nice people but I don't like pussy footing. Either shit or get off the pot, you know? Yeah I say that now. Anyway, I'm also in a technology class which is surprisingly much easier than I expected. We designed our own websites, write annotations and I'm currently supposed to be doing a database project for thursday. But I'm really tired. After this little therapy session I'm going to bed. It's a long story about how I decided to come here, and it involves waxing nostalgia, but I'm here & that's that. I recently went to a Halloween party with Marcy & Christina. I was a Droog, and only 3 people knew what that was. I didn't really care because I got to show off my amazing eyeball cufflinks, which I plan to wear outside of this occasion. We're planning to go to a friends bookstore and then Salem in a few weeks in our costumes. It's awesome to just have fun like this. Especially with all the homework I've been doing. I swear, it's like I spend 6 hours on homework every day. I just wish it wasn't always Marcy who wanted to do shit. I'm less picky about these type of things now, but I'd like to see other people. They know who they are. I've had a religious awakening. I won't say "spiritual" because I think that's an awful word. But I just realized everything in my life led me to the point I'm at now. I used to talk about how I've done terrible things and I'd wish my life was different, but I don't anymore. I mean, everything that's happened to me has prepared me for this moment. Typing this entry, continuing school, somehow impressing people with my alleged smartness. Everyday I wonder what wouldv'e happened if I didn't almost die in that car accident. And if I wasn't in Global Issues at the time it happened. Or if Luciano or Marcy weren't there. Just too many little details were included. It bothers me and amazes me at the same time. How connected it is, like a puzzle or something. There are other examples, but that one just sticks out at that moment. It can't be coincidence or luck (which I don't believe in anymore). There is a reason for everything that happens and the proof is in our current existence. How "Oprah" is that?! But she did say it best (and I'm loosely quoting) when she said that everything that happens in our lives is preparing us for the moment that is to come. It's probably the closest truth I know along with another Oprah moment and an Emerson quote that blows my mind cum everytime I think of it. But that's the result of what I've been meditating on. Hopefully I can get more out of life, but if that doesn't happen it means something else will happen. I feel like I should keep writing. That there's something more to say or point out to all you invisible people. But there isn't much. I've been trying to publish some stuff. I'm not lucky when it comes to that. Either I never hear anything or I'm rejected from some technicality. I don't have much time right now, but I'd like something somewhere. Creatively I'm on an upswing. I went to the Boston Book Festival last week and it made me feel better hearing things that I think coming out of the mouths of people I admire. I also made Pulitzer winner Jennifer Egan laugh, which will be going on my resume for sure. Life is so interesting. I hope it stays that way. And I promise to keep it documented in here more. Bye Buh. | | |
| Oh xanga, I missed you! Oh, how I missed you! It seems everyone I know that's had one has abandoned it. It's lame. It means they don't read mine but I still read it. It amuses me. Almost as much as trying to discuss my life until this point. Well grad school is terrible. The teachers are not very nice. In fact they're bitchy. One techer is lazy and non-responsive, but she's still nice and gives good grades. The other started out nice, then I started seeing bitchy comments on my papers and Marcy-esque j'acuse about not answering questions I clearly did. It made me feel disrespected and put down so I approached her about it and it was like she died the entire time I talked. Here's one example: she asked me to research what color a second place medal was in the 1st olympics. I found it was bronze. But she marks me down 20 points anyway bc I don't mention it's made of copper. Well that wasn't the question, and there goes any hope of a good experience here. It was like Carl Martin and Christine Dee had a baby that had Benjamin Button disease and became my teacher. Currently I have 1 more 15 page paper to write for her, but this subject is so boring. It's so simple to understand, I don't understand how to write a huge paper for it. But I have a little more progress than last week, and it's due wednesday, so I might be OK. OK, glad that shit's done. Oh wait, one more thing. I might have to drop out because they don't have accredidation for the programs I want to go into. It all comes down to a meeting I have on 4/30. If they say it doesn't matter I'll stay, but if it does I'm getting a night job at McDonalds. Now the fun stuff. Last November I got really drunk and puked a lot. My worst real hangover. I almost missed "Terriers" even! But it was a quick recovery. Then I proceded to get drunk with fat david, who vistied for Christmas, and then with my cool catz friends after a bottle of wine, and a time post Marcy-Gate involving a pitcher of margaritas. That's when I decided to stop drinking. For a while anyway. I think I might start on Easter, but I'm afraid. I'm not a hard on alcoholic, but I'm still at a point where I don't crave alcohol. So I think I'm going to take advantage of that. I don't like getting drunk anymore. It makes me feel like (as Whoopi Goldberg says) "a bonehead." What am I achieving? Clearly some level of intamacy I can't have sober. I think I should fix that before I start drinking again. But who knows when that will be? What else has happened? Well I picked a fight with Marcy involving pickles. She was being an elitist twat and I took her down. But other than that I refuse to talk to her still. Possibly there's a chance I'll talk to her again, but she remains blocked on the cell and ignnored and the face place. It's been nice actually. I miss some things, like out shared likenss for seltzer with lime, but I can't get over the other stuff. I started writing again. That show "Terriers" I mentioned earlier? Well I liked it a lot, so it was cancelled after 1 season. But in the middle of my fandom of it I realized that I had some similar detective fiction written in my old english notebook. No wonder I liked it so much. Kinda weird karma shit that Oprah eats for brunch (And yes, I am watching OWN & the Farewell season!). I started playing with it, and I rather enjoy it. I didn't think I'd be good at the piecing together of it, but it's a lot easier than I thought. And I've always loved neo-noir anyway (Veronica Mars anyone?!) so why not? I'll talk to Ian soon, and maybe we can have a chat about it. It would be nice to have something to do. Speaking of something to do, I started running again. I've been working on form mostly, but I'm prepping for runs in the summer. I miss getting out of this house. And I don't want to be that "woe is me" kid bc I really don't hang out with people anymore. Exercise will curb that depression streak. Well there's so much more that I don't want to detail. 4 people in my life have cancer, Thespian David got married to a woman (because he's a horny freak who's abandoned me for children), I lifted my ban on apple for the ipad2 in the near(?) future and I walk a lot. As well as travel to Kingston and Worcester for lame school shit. Life is pretty boring, and this entry is way too long for my limited life experiences, but I'm surprisingly positive. And TV consumes less of my life. I'm proud to say that. But I credit it to Grad school nonsense. It's starting to get old. Older than me. Bye Buh (and I'll update more!). | | |
| Ever since that incident last week life has become a giant shit hole. I'm trying to make myself feel better by typing stuff. It's supposed to be cathartic. I stopped talking to Marcy she's a twat. I stopped going to writing group and Ian never asked why and I never told him. Then he decides to take it upon himself to cancel it. So it's done. No more fun. No more meaning in life And all it took was an ignorant middle aged cunt to setus straight. Then David moved. We had a great send off that went until the morning. And now he's gone. I've since been trying to make life fun again. It's not working. Life is hell. I'm trapped in this house with no one who cares about me. How adolescent is that? But I still don't believe in love so it's bound to com out of my fingertips. I have no one, literaly no one, who I can talk to. And even if I did they don't want to hear about it. The only goal I have is to finish my FAFSA. But I'm so depressed it's hard to get out of bed. I end up staying there until 3:30 and only bc I want to watch Oprah's saggy face in HD. SO I haven't accomplished anything. Instead I lounge around in my self-loathing. It's worse than it has been in recent years. Eventually I would see people who would distract me from my boring life. But not being in school prevents that. I'm stuck with myself now. The best part of my day is going to bed at night. I'm so tired. I slept 10 hours yesterday and when I went to work I couldn't keep my eyes open. I've been saying I either have CFS or I need zoloft. I've also been watching "The Wire" which doesn't help. David Simon's scope on my life is gruesome. His idea is that each fraction of society (police, politics, school, media etc.) is like a God, and when people try to improve them they are crushed. Quite the pick me up really. So now I have it in my head that I cannot change anything and that fate is that life will be middling. TV is all I have so don't blame me. If I had people in my life I would probably be better. But I don't. This wasn't cathartic at all. I need to find something to halt my anxiety. This is amping it up. The only thing that could is to get a life, but I don't know how. I'm not worth it anyway. I'll probably just go to bed early. Again. Bye Buh | | |
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